


This Is Goodbye

by YlvaUllsdotter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Drabble, F/M, Female Reader, Mentions of Violence, Tumblr, Tumblr Challenge, mentions of hurt!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 00:53:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13869606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YlvaUllsdotter/pseuds/YlvaUllsdotter
Summary: You've been in love with Dean Winchester for years. After he gets captured and tortured for several days by a demon, you blame yourself for not being able to protect him and you decide to leave. It doesn't go as planned.





	This Is Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Well. That happened. I started to type up the concept for the story, for @thorne93’s Challenge Roulette, and it just flowed out of me. So there it is. Angsty as fuck. I’m not even sorry. 
> 
> Prompts were "I didn't plan this, you jackass!" and I got wildcard for genre.

I’ve been in love with Dean Winchester since before I met him. He and his brother are legends in the hunter community, and I had heard stories. After I met them and hunted with them, I realized the stories weren’t really that exaggerated. It’s been a couple of years now, and I’ve been fairly successful in hiding my feelings for Dean. Then he goes and gets himself captured by a demon. Sam and I did everything, moved heaven and earth to find him, but the demon still had time to torture Dean for days. I’ve been in this darkness ever since, blaming myself for not being there to protect him, for letting that demon hurt him. I can’t even look at Dean. Even though Castiel healed him, I still see the cuts and bruises when I do. That’s why I’m leaving. It just hurts too much. He’ll be better off without me, I know that. I’ve disappeared before, I can do it again. He’ll never see me again. 

I’ve got one foot on the bottom step of the stairs when I hear his voice behind me. 

“Y/N?” His tone is confused, questioning. I don’t turn around, I just can’t stand to look into his eyes and see the hurt there. “What...why are you...where are you going?”

I take a deep breath to ground myself, my fingers tensing on the railing. “I’m leaving”, I grind out through clenched teeth.

“Oh. For how long?”

My heart is pounding so hard I’m afraid it might break right through my ribs.

“Forever.” The word falls heavy between us and in the silence I can hear his breath hitch.

“What? Why?” The hurt in his voice breaks my heart into a million pieces, and I have to remind myself that I’m doing this for him. To keep him safe.

“Goodbye, Dean.” The words are barely more than a whisper and I start to move, to climb those stairs and remove myself from Dean Winchester’s life forever.

He moves so quickly I don’t have time to react. One moment he’s standing in the doorway at the bottom of the stairs, the next he’s right behind me, his fingers wrapped around my wrist. The smell of him assaults me and I feel my resolve start to crumble. I know that if I don’t get out of here, away from him, I’ll never leave, and he’ll die because I wasn’t able to protect him. 

“Y/N, wait”, the words stop me in my tracks. I could never deny him anything. He is my weakness, I know that. I’ve known that for a long time.

“Please, talk to me. Ever since…”, he pauses and we both know what he means, he doesn’t need to say it, “...you’ve been...different. You used to talk to me, Y/N. Please, tell me what’s going on?”

I sigh deeply, fully aware that my escape has been thwarted. Because how can I ever deny Dean anything? Reluctantly, I move my foot from the stair to the floor, my hand drops to my side, and my duffel thumps to the floor beside me, the sound rings in my ears like defeat.

“I can’t, Dean. There’s nothing I can say that’ll change anything.”

“I don’t...what does that even mean?”

I can’t see his face, but the tone of his voice tells me he’s frowning in confusion. After so long watching him, learning his every expression and inflection, I know him almost better than I know myself. I look down and my eyes fall on my boots, scuffed and worn, just like I feel. Closing my eyes, I think, screw it.

“I’m a liability, Dean. If you can’t count on me to be there, to have your back, then what good am I?” I can hear him wind up to say something, so I go on, not giving him the opportunity. “That demon got you because I wasn’t there to protect you. It tortured you for days, you were almost dead when we found you. And even though Castiel healed you, every time I look at you, I see every cut, every bruise, every scrape that bastard inflicted on you. And it is killing me, Dean. It’s killing me because I care about you and I let that thing get to you, and it’s my fault!” 

My voice had risen as the words bubbled out of me, like ugly black demon smoke, pouring out of me and I couldn’t stop them. I ripped my arm from his grip and turned to face him, my eyes wide open now and searching his for the hurt and accusation I expected to see. What I found was not that at all. What I found when I looked into those green green eyes was surprise and a tiny glimmer of hope. It stopped the flow of words like nothing else could have. 

“That’s why you’ve been so quiet?” Dean’s voice was rough. “You think it’s your fault? How can you…?” He stopped himself and took a breath, his hands hesitantly rising towards my face, giving me time to pull away. I didn’t.

The feeling of his warm hands cradling my face was...better than I could ever have imagined. I wanted to close my eyes and stop time and live in this moment forever. His eyes though, bored into mine, silently forcing me to look at him.

“Why would you think it was your fault?” 

“Because...I should have been there. I should have protected you. I don’t know what I would do if you…”, my voice broke and to my dismay I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, spilling over and rolling down my cheeks. Roughly, I pulled away from him, turning my back and angrily swiping at the traitorous tears. 

“Sweetheart, I’m right here, you’re not gonna get rid of me that easy.” The tone of his voice told me he was putting on a façade of swagger, for me. For some reason that just angered me. Spinning back toward him, I swung my fist as I turned, connecting with his jaw with the full force of my body behind it. As if in slow-motion I saw his head snap back and to the side before time was restored to normal, and he staggered back a couple of steps, his hand coming up to rub his jaw. Before he had time to open his mouth, I was laying into him.

“Don’t give me that crap, Dean! We both know either one of us could bite it at any time! You’re not safe! No one’s safe! There are so many monsters on our asses, I’m not sure how we’ve made it this far! Demons, angels, vampires, shifters, you name it, it wants to kill us! So just how exactly do you think you can guarantee nothing will happen to you?! Don’t you get it?? I love you, and I would die if I lost you!”

Those last words registered as they flew out of my mouth and then it was too late to take them back. I was breathing hard from an overwhelming excess of emotions, my brain telling me to turn tail and run up those stairs, disappear out of Dean’s life forever. But my heart, my heart had stopped beating as it, figuratively, lay before Dean’s feet, waiting for him to take it, or step on it and crush it forever. 

Dean blinked, his expression one of utter shock. His hand was still cradling his jaw where I had hit him and his mouth opened and closed several times as he searched for the right words to say. Hot tears of anger, frustration, and a certainty that he was about to reject me, welled up in my eyes, spilling down my flushed cheeks, and I didn’t even care. The moment seemed to stretch on forever.

“You...love me?” Dean’s words were barely a whisper, his voice full of awe. 

I was still frozen in place, my heart still hanging in the balance.

“Why...why didn’t you ever say anything?”, he stammered. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was confused, but why would he be. “Why are you telling me now, right after telling me you’re leaving?” Now he sounded almost angry, which lit the spark of my own anger anew.

“Why…  **I didn’t plan this, you jackass!** If you had just let me go, I would be out of your life now and you’d be safe!” The words tumbled out of me and I bit them off with an audible sound as my teeth clacked together. 

Before I had time to react, Dean had taken two long strides, pushing me up against the wall by the stairs, his lips crushing mine in a kiss that was full of desperate need. My instinct to push him away melted into a blissful dream state. The hands lifted in defense wrapped around his neck, my fingers buried in his short hair, pressing him closer. I needed him closer. And he was not objecting. On the contrary, he seemed to be trying to merge with me, crushing my body against the tiled wall, one muscled thigh slotting between my legs, drawing a moan from me that he swallowed, along with the breath from my lungs and I didn’t care.

Finally, after a millennium, he pulled away just enough to let us both draw breath. His forehead against mine, his green eyes laser-focused on mine. We were so close that when he spoke his lips brushed against mine.

“I love you too, dumbass.”


End file.
